The Ties that Bind
Lately, I've been thinking about men... unfortunately, other diversions aside, it goes with the territory of being a writer. Know your characters, think like your characters, and all that funky stuff. Well, one particular character's been giving me a bit of grief. At times I think I know him, but then he will go and do something (while I'm in the zone and bleeding him drop by drop outta my veins and onto paper) that'll leave me utterly bewildered.
This particular character (lets call him, Dave) is a great guy -- easy-going, kind, generous, a loving partner and a soon-to-be wonderful father (though he doesn't know it yet). Trouble comes to him in the form of a woman. (It always does, huh?) but not in the shape of his girlfriend (and soon to be wife - though he doesn't know that particular gem yet either. Bless him, he's quite oblivious). The problem is his mother. I can hear the groans even as I type. It's that ole fangled love triangle that we women love to hate: mother - son - wife.
Dave's mother, a wonderful example of a confirmed matriarch, does not approve of his girlfriend, and thinks he should be dating her friend's daughter, Lizzy (the supermodel redhead who is frankly, pretty to look at but as dull as wallpaper paste). Dave (being a man) finds Lizzy attractive and enjoys it when she flirts with him. But here's the deal, he loves his girlfriend. If he sat down and drew up a list of everything he could have in a woman, she would be It. The trouble is, Sabrina (the girlfriend) is a real woman -- feisty, strong, kind, vulnerable, and generally, a loveable pain in the ass. She's finding it difficult to go back to how things used to be with Dave and rekindle their passionate romance because she knows (a) about Lizzy, and (b) that Dave's mum wished she was Lizzy, and (c) that Dave is sitting on the fence and not making a decision one way or another.
And this is what I don't get. Everytime I go to write this, Dave always ends up sitting on the fence. For the record, I think that's probably true to type. But why would he do that? He's got a lovely girl he's totally in love with and is everything he could want, but he can't find it in himself to tell both his mother and Lizzy to take a hike. No doubt he enjoys the flirting and it distracts him from the problems in his relationship with Sabrina -- which he wishes would go back to how it used to be. But in turn, he doesn't realise that Sabrina is reacting to his ambivalence. And in feeling insecure in her relationship with him, is bit by bit, withdrawing from it completely. Why should she be fully engaged in a relationship, when he isn't and has done nothing to indicate that he is committed to her and/or wants to share his life with her, not Lizzy. To Sabrina's eyes, the only people who seem to get anything out of him, are his mother and Lizzy.
Back to Dave and character journeys. A part of me believes Dave will come through and surprise me. I'm of the Jungian tradition, so he strikes me as being a typical partially transformed character, outwardly mature and successful but not quite in command of his personal power or comfortable in himself (if he was, the fence sitting, I feel, wouldn't come into it). Crucially, he still struggles with aspects of his relationship with women and probably there is a touch of the eternal boy in him, the guy who loves to escape his actual problems by throwing himself into a successful diversion, like a career, and indeed, Dave is well recognised and successful in his line of work. To get himself out of this rut, Dave would need to undergo a complete transformation by equipping himself emotionally and mentally for admitting, accepting and dealing with those issues head on.
And because I'm Jungian inclined, I suspect those issues are a mother with issues. She's probably throwing Lizzy his way because she knows Dave doesn't like her (in the relationship kinda way) -- his mother's cunning and unconscious master plan is to not have him develop any meaningful relationship of his own at all. Can mothers really be that evil, well sadly and without any deliberate intention on their part, yes. As Philip Larkin's infamous poem declares:
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But where does that leave Dave (and Sabrina)? I dunno. Substitute Dave, Lizzy, Sabrina and Dave's mum Kirsten with darkly gothic names, and their world with the uncertain, bloody tumult of a fantasy world in conflict and you have the basics of my character dilemma. Armor Dave in leather mail and throw him a 3ft sword and put him at the head of an army, and you can see how the themes start to resonate and how important it is to get into Dave's state of mind.
So now, this is where I'm hoping you guys come in. What's your take on all of this, and I especially wanna hear from the guys out there. What do you think is going on with Dave and what would you do if you were him?
Comments
i have to admit, my hero is a bit
of a mystery to me, too. i'm always
amazed by writers who write a protag
who is opposite of their own gender.
you'd have to be really insightful, i think.
or a study of character and an entirely other
gender.
good luck with dave!
i think he is his own person. and when it
comes to love and lust and relationships, we
don't necessarily do what makes sense or what
is right. and good people screw up in love just
like everyone else.
1. Dave is perhaps suspicious about why his mother is so keen on Lizzy, but doesn't want to express that suspicion.
2. Dave might wonder if his mother is keen on Lizzy because she will grow up to be like her (his mother) - again difficult to broach and deal with.
3. Dave is not as close to his mother as his mother would like to think they are - a very touchy and tough subject to bring up for a son.
So, Dave sees in his relationship with Lizzy an analogue of his mother-son relationship and he's not the kind of person to rock the boat. Hence the dischord and avoidance. That would seem to ring true to me at any rate. The choice almost becomes for him a choice not between Sabrina and Lizzy, but between Sabrina and his mother. Lizzy is really a red herring.
Hope this helps :)
Oh god, men and their mothers. I've been up against this one several times and the baffling thing is that men can't tell when their mother is a cow. You can see it, your friends can see it and your man still thinks the witch is a cross between mother Theresa and Nigella Lawson. It can go several ways:
1) The girlfriend gives up entirely because the prospect of spending every other christmas watching your other half fawn over this bitch makes you want to put two pencils up your nose and bang your head on a desk.
2) The girlfriend wins over the mother in law. Difficult to do but I managed to do it with my ex mother in law by looking after her horses when she did her back in so not impossible.
3) The mother in law or model dies.
4) Dave realises that his mother is a manipulative bitch and tells her to cut it out.
I agree with gargoyle, Lizzy is a side issue, the real issue is whether Dave is adult enough to let go of the apron strings and transfer his affection to Sabrina, whether he is grown up enough to accept a woman whose flaws he can see and acknowledge.
There's no understanding it. I've always said that love has its reasons that reason itself cannot comprehend. And you can quote me. :-)
Often when I'm in the thick of character development I step back and realize that most of the time my life's most significant moments were the ones that just crept up on me taking me unawares. In other words...life happens. What if you just let it happen to Dave? Just a thought, and, by the way, your scenario is fascinating.